Friday, 30 March 2018

I am that cat

If you follow me on Instagram or were friends on Facebook you will already know I have a lurcher dog and a tabby cat. I was describing them to a friend yesterday as an analogy for how I respond to stress. Cara the dog is a complete diva, one stub of the toe and they will hear her in Norway. She could put banshees out of business, she can empty waiting rooms at the vet and she will accept endless petting to help her feel better. She is an adorable wuss. 
Now when it comes to Koshka the cat, it’s a different story. He goes quiet and still and says nothing. He hides away in a favourite spot and does his best to make himself small ( something of a challenge as he’s a big boy!). His response to stress is to curl up and his body language screams, just leave me, I’m FINE. 
I am that cat. 
But when I’m  forced out of my safe place ( my home) I realise how vulnerable I am now. My spinal problem means my walking is very slow and I’m in pain as soon as I stand. A recent break away shook me from my denial and I decided to go for surgery on my spine. I’m hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst. I was originally told it could be a 50% risk of paralysis and that’s all I heard. But of course as I worsen and see that as a real possibility of doing nothing I am seeing the possibility of the other 50%. So as I write I am on the waiting list and trying to build fitness for the surgery. I even found my inner lurcher for a time and howled but normal service has resumed and I’m FINE again. 
But just every now and again I get angry and on one of those occasions I wrote this.

A growth
the crab crawls across
my consciousness
cancer stalks me
but it’s not that
I breathe
again

Rare
he said
a bony stab
on my spine 
pain it’s weapon
slowing me 
to no escape

I deal you cancer
I raise you 
a damaged spine
I say 
F***
them
both

But I’m fine really.......





Sunday, 11 March 2018

My Mum







My Mum

My Mum could knit
she could knit with
my budgie on the needles

My Mum made soup
that was always delicious
she needed no recipes 

My Mum thought she didn’t 
have much courage
she didn’t see what we did

My Mum taught me books
are treasures in life
we found in libraries 

My Mum showed me
families matter
maybe the only thing that does

My Mum died a year ago
and it’s Mother’s Day 
but I dont need that to remind me of 

My Mum and all she was 
in all the different shades

and that I miss her